I Used To Dread Mother’s Day Until Now

 

I lived in the absence of my mother. For most of the most important of my formative years,  I had to learn to mother myself, to care for myself to learn things that I only imagine a mom would teach their daughters. So for a long time, I lived and thought of myself as a motherless daughter.

Being a little girl and growing up without your own mom, is like living with a constant, excruciating craving that cannot be satisfied. It creates a desperate void in the pit of the stomach that permeates all that you are and all that you do.

Seeing friends and family members being mothered felt like falling into nothingness- I felt as though I didn’t belong and that I was not worthy of love.

Eventually, as a teenager, I tucked my feelings aside and I learned to cope and hide. I mostly coped with drugs, alcohol, and an eating disorder.

I now know, that there was a part of me that craved to be saved. Although I had moments and people showing me motherly love, I so wanted to be fully seen and my pain to be acknowledged. I wanted the mother I had dreamed of and missed to show up and tell me that I was ok, that I wasn’t a mistake and that I was worthy of love.

The hurt was unbearable but I tucked it away unable to face it at that time. As some of the adults around me would point out, I was ok – I was bathed, fed and even if not always living in the same house, I had a roof over my head. Basically, “move on.” So I did pretend to move on. I pushed through it- for many years – until it all came rushing in and I hit rock bottom. Actually, I smacked right into it. Luckily I was presented with a choice – let life happen to me or face my pain and create a life of love.

I chose to be my own savior and to be the creator of my own destiny. My hunger for a love filled life took over and I began a journey of deep healing. This was not the easy choice and I could have not done it if I hadn’t reached out for help, and in doing so, I met some of the most amazing friends, mentors, angels and healers.

Fast forward to this Mothers Day, fifteen years since my life changing choice. I now no longer think of myself as a motherless daughter, I am now a self-mothered mother and, in the pursuit of learning to mother myself, I became the mother my daughter deserves.

My life is filled with empowerment, cuddles, giggles and a love that at one point I could have not even imagined. Sometimes I stop and look around, and I cannot believe that this is my life. Most of the time, my past feels like a fictional story or a different lifetime.

Mothers day used to be unbearable, but now it is a day to celebrate forgiveness, self compassion, self reflection and most of all the mother and the teacher within. It is a celebration of self, the feminine spirit, and for becoming a mom to the most amazing girl while also acknowledging and giving deep thanks to my birth mother for transitioning me into this world.

Am I completely healed? It is a journey. At times I am still stung by the “what if’s” and my unfulfilled inner child wishes. But ultimately it comes down to gratitude – my journey so far, my hurt and my experiences have given me compassion, strength and purpose.

If you identify yourself as a motherless daughter or a motherless mother –whether it be for rejection, loss, health, mental health, incompatibility or if your mother straight up wasn’t able to love and care for you- I want you to know that I love you. I see you. You are not alone. Have Mother’s Day be a celebration of yourself, your ability to love, to remember and to choose to live life on your own terms, not dictated by pain and unfulfilled wishes.   It’s important to remember that, regardless of your situation, we all have a mother inside of us and, therefore, we all have something to celebrate and be grateful for this and every Mothers Day.

My number one advice is to take all the love and compassion you are wishing for and to give it. Give it to your little ones, to your loved ones, to the children that right now don’t have their mama by their side and pay it forward in any way you can. If you see a child or a teenager and you know that they are without a mom on this Mother’s Day, please take some time to make them feel loved and special. I promise you will be making a major difference in that person’s life. You just may be that one human to bring about a spark that will steer a child towards an empowered, love-filled life.

 

 

19 thoughts on “I Used To Dread Mother’s Day Until Now

  1. I literally sat here, contemplating whether to read or not. Just from your title alone, I knew it was something I would relate to. As I began to read your first few lines, tears began to fall. Tears for the same things that dwell in my heart. The constant, “you’re lucky…” that pushed me to shove it in the back of whatever I’m made of..and now a mother of three, postpartum depression, anxiety & ocd tracing back to my past. The very thing that I hid so well, found itself creeping in what is supposed to be an amazing experience, turned dark in the last few years. I love what you said, “I chose to be my own savior and to be the creator of my own destiny. ” I want to believe that my past shouldn’t run my life or define me, but I struggle to figure out who am I after all that? I never knew my mom, she gave me up for a private adoption no real papers no documents to trace back. Here I am, almost 30.. and I struggle with motherhood for the things I’ve references to go back to or stories to relate my experiences to. But I admire you! You are inspiring. Thank you for sharing this! Please keep in touch, I wanna start a series on my blog for adoptees and/or etc. xoxo p.s. I wrote about something the same today if you don’t mind checking it out it’s https://imommy.co/2017/05/13/2073/ — Maria | https://imommy.co

    1. Hi Maria, thank you for writing. I know what you mean when you say, who am I after all of that? This is where the work began for me – from surviving to thriving. I would love to stay in touch!

  2. Happy Mother’s day to you! I am so glad that you chose to become what you are today…sounds like you went through a lot of hard work to get to where you are. Thank you for sharing your story!

  3. I can relate to so much for what you shared. Thank you for being authentic with your emotions and I pray that everyone who needs to hear your message will see this post! Blessings, Misty

  4. Oooh my goodness, this tugged on my heart. So happy that you found your way and that youbcan give your daughters that love that you craved.

  5. I can’t imagine growing up without a mom, you are such a strong woman. This post was the perspective that I really needed. Paying it forward would do the world so much good, thank you for that reminder 🙂

  6. Happy late Mother’s Day!! I couldn’t imagine not having my mother, so my heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing your story!

  7. A very Happy Mother’s Day to you! Thanks for your vulnerability in sharing your story of moving from pain to healing. I know other mamas can certainly relate.

  8. Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong mother 🙂 It’s easy to want to change the way we think but so hard to make the decision and make it happen. Now that I’m a Mom, I appreciate how important my mother is to me, something I didn’t do before I had kids.

  9. Life obviously hasnt been easy for you. Or filled with happiness. But i also feel that the present and future are so much better. And the only person who deserves 100% credit for that is UOU. Because you are fabulous and ypu did this! Ypur will and commitment. You are awesome!

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