I lived in the absence of my mother. For most of the most important of my formative years, I had to learn to mother myself, to care for myself to learn things that I only imagine a mom would teach their daughters. So for a long time, I lived and thought of myself as a motherless daughter.
Being a little girl and growing up without your own mom, is like living with a constant, excruciating craving that cannot be satisfied. It creates a desperate void in the pit of the stomach that permeates all that you are and all that you do.
Seeing friends and family members being mothered felt like falling into nothingness- I felt as though I didn’t belong and that I was not worthy of love.
Eventually, as a teenager, I tucked my feelings aside and I learned to cope and hide. I mostly coped with drugs, alcohol, and an eating disorder.
I now know, that there was a part of me that craved to be saved. Although I had moments and people showing me motherly love, I so wanted to be fully seen and my pain to be acknowledged. I wanted the mother I had dreamed of and missed to show up and tell me that I was ok, that I wasn’t a mistake and that I was worthy of love.
The hurt was unbearable but I tucked it away unable to face it at that time. As some of the adults around me would point out, I was ok – I was bathed, fed and even if not always living in the same house, I had a roof over my head. Basically, “move on.” So I did pretend to move on. I pushed through it- for many years – until it all came rushing in and I hit rock bottom. Actually, I smacked right into it. Luckily I was presented with a choice – let life happen to me or face my pain and create a life of love.
I chose to be my own savior and to be the creator of my own destiny. My hunger for a love filled life took over and I began a journey of deep healing. This was not the easy choice and I could have not done it if I hadn’t reached out for help, and in doing so, I met some of the most amazing friends, mentors, angels and healers.
Fast forward to this Mothers Day, fifteen years since my life changing choice. I now no longer think of myself as a motherless daughter, I am now a self-mothered mother and, in the pursuit of learning to mother myself, I became the mother my daughter deserves.
My life is filled with empowerment, cuddles, giggles and a love that at one point I could have not even imagined. Sometimes I stop and look around, and I cannot believe that this is my life. Most of the time, my past feels like a fictional story or a different lifetime.
Mothers day used to be unbearable, but now it is a day to celebrate forgiveness, self compassion, self reflection and most of all the mother and the teacher within. It is a celebration of self, the feminine spirit, and for becoming a mom to the most amazing girl while also acknowledging and giving deep thanks to my birth mother for transitioning me into this world.
Am I completely healed? It is a journey. At times I am still stung by the “what if’s” and my unfulfilled inner child wishes. But ultimately it comes down to gratitude – my journey so far, my hurt and my experiences have given me compassion, strength and purpose.
If you identify yourself as a motherless daughter or a motherless mother –whether it be for rejection, loss, health, mental health, incompatibility or if your mother straight up wasn’t able to love and care for you- I want you to know that I love you. I see you. You are not alone. Have Mother’s Day be a celebration of yourself, your ability to love, to remember and to choose to live life on your own terms, not dictated by pain and unfulfilled wishes. It’s important to remember that, regardless of your situation, we all have a mother inside of us and, therefore, we all have something to celebrate and be grateful for this and every Mothers Day.
My number one advice is to take all the love and compassion you are wishing for and to give it. Give it to your little ones, to your loved ones, to the children that right now don’t have their mama by their side and pay it forward in any way you can. If you see a child or a teenager and you know that they are without a mom on this Mother’s Day, please take some time to make them feel loved and special. I promise you will be making a major difference in that person’s life. You just may be that one human to bring about a spark that will steer a child towards an empowered, love-filled life.